Verse
For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of
your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. (Isaiah
41:13)
I’m sad because of the way I acted today. I’m
disappointed in my lack of self-control. And the more I relive my emotionally
driven tirade, the more my brain refuses sleep.
I
have to figure this out. What is my problem? Why can’t I seem to control my
reactions?
I stuff. I explode. And I don’t know how to
get a handle on this. But God help me if I don’t get a handle on this. I will
destroy the relationships I value most and weave into my life permanent threads
of short-temperedness, shame, fear, and frustration.
Is that what I really want? Do I want my
headstone to read, “Well, on the days she was nice she was really nice. But on
the days she wasn’t, rest assured, hell hath no fury like the woman who lies
beneath the ground right here”?
No.
That’s not what I want. Not at all. I don’t want the script of my life to be
written that way.
So, at 2:08 a.m., I vow to do better tomorrow.
But better proves illusive and my vows wear thin in the face of daily annoyances
and other unpleasant realities. Tears slip, and I’m worn out from trying. Always
trying.
I feel broken. Unglued, actually. I have vowed
to do better at 2:08 a.m. and 8:14 a.m. and 3:37 p.m. and 9:49 p.m. and many
other minutes in between. So why aren’t things getting better? Why aren’t my
reactions tamer?
I
know what it’s like to praise God one minute and in the next minute yell and
scream at my child—and then to feel both the burden of my destructive behavior
and the shame of my powerlessness to stop it.
The
emotional demands keep on coming. Unrelenting insecurity. Wondering if anyone
appreciates me. Feeling tired, stressed, and hormonal.
Feeling unglued is really all I’ve ever known.
And I’m starting to wonder if maybe it’s all I’ll ever be.
Those were the defeating thoughts I couldn’t
escape. Maybe you can relate. If you relate to my hurt, I pray you will also
relate to my hope.
While unglued is all I’ve really known, I
believe that with God’s help, today my life can be different. That’s my personal
revelation of hope. As you take this “Unglued Challenge” for the next 5 days, I
hope you’ll see this is a safe place to address our tendencies to stuff,
explode, or react somewhere in between.
I am both a stuffer and an exploder. And I’ve
experienced God’s tender mercies and grace given so many times it almost seems
scandalous. How can our God be so patient? I don’t know. But He is.
Today, He’s offering us the fresh start our
souls desperately need. Our key verse from Isaiah 41 promises He will help us.
We can be different. A slate wiped clean. A page crisp-white. A chance to start
rewriting the old scripts of past failures.
For me. For you. Together. We can do this.
Does it seem somewhat shallow now to post before/after pictures of another project I've been working on after reading something that deep? I've often said that I love working in interior design because of the transformation that takes place with spaces that are worn out and need updating. Similar to my soul and spirit. I guess i need a little spiritual updating. Other days, my efforts, work and profession of choice leave me feeling kind of empty and materialistic.
Balance I guess.
I've never been good at that.
Below is a mudroom area that belongs to my friend/client Joy. Her name fits her. I need more of who she is and what she's got....JOY.
BEFORE
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